


don't know if i can survive in the dark again

by homeisjustaroomfullofmysafestsounds



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, M/M, changlix, i promise it won't all be depressing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-04-13
Packaged: 2019-04-06 05:51:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14050323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homeisjustaroomfullofmysafestsounds/pseuds/homeisjustaroomfullofmysafestsounds
Summary: The impact of the day’s events crashed into Changbin like a strike of lightning, guilt pounding through all of his arteries and veins. In his mind replayed the same thoughts: He’s gone. It’s my fault. And with every thought came another sob, another gasp for air.or the retelling of Felix's elimination from Changbin and Felix's pov, respectively





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This is my first fic. I hope you enjoy!!

“진짜, 형 미안해.” Changbin could barely get the apology out, tears clouding his sight and his mind, dripping down and pooling somewhere in the bottom of his stomach.

“형, 왜 미안해?”

_ Why am I sorry? _

_Because I should have taught you how to rap better._ _Because, if I had only stayed up later to help you practice, maybe you wouldn't be leaving. Because I was never enough to help you._

_ Because I never showed you the love you deserved. Because you showered me with love and adoration, and I just sucked it all in like a black hole. I never once considered that maybe you needed light as much as I have come to need you. And now you're gone, and I don't know if I can survive in the dark again. _

 

Life after Felix’s elimination was, to say the least, a mess.

 

It took a while for everything to sink in at first, the everyday hustle of trainee life rushing Changbin through everything. But then he got into bed, and something was just off.

There was no weight draped over his chest, no freckled face nuzzled into the crook of his neck, no mess of fluffy hair shoved in his face. There was no “ _ g’night, Binnie hyung _ ” or “ _ love you, hyung _ ” in hushed English after the Aussie thought his hyung was asleep, right before Felix snuck off to his own room. The person who had come to replace Changbin’s precious plushie was nowhere to be found, and for some reason, the munchlax just didn't feel right anymore.

The impact of the day’s events crashed into Changbin like a strike of lightning, guilt pounding through all of his arteries and veins. In his mind replayed the same thoughts:  _ He’s gone. It’s my fault.  _ And with every thought came another sob, another gasp for air.

 

The next day, nobody seemed to notice that Changbin’s eyes were threaded with twice as much red as the rest of theirs. All eyes, no matter how red, were tied to the ground, only looking up occasionally to fake a smile at a camera or thank one of their staff. It would be a lie to say the kids didn't miss Felix, but it was more in the little things than anything else. It was the absence of little posters with spelling mistakes taped all over the studio, the silence that replaced Felix’s laughter and mosquito impressions.

 

As time passed, the kids were all able to convert their sadness into passion to work harder. If Jisung noticed Changbin sneaking out in the middle of the night to go rap aggressively in the bathroom, he didn't say anything. If Chan noticed the wastebasket overflowing with used tissues nearly every morning, he never complained.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix's POV.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry I've taken forever to update!! I'll try to update the other 2 chapters by the end of the week.

“You worked hard, Felix.”

Suddenly everything lost its meaning.

The whole reason to move continents away from family and friends, to study Korean every day, to practice rap and dance until 4 in the morning. It was all gone.

 

Jisung was the first to approach. His hug got fiercer with every apology Felix uttered, wordlessly clutching his best friend.

Chan was next, and his eyes held so much love, pain and empathy despite the physical distance between them. He uttered sweet promises of “Always find me, yeah? I'm not gonna leave you behind,” but they meant nothing to Felix, not when he knew Chan  _ had  _ to leave him behind, not when, through the tears, he could see Changbin across the room, crouched against the wall, a pool of tears already forming at his feet. Not when those tears were  _ his  _ fault.

Before he knew what was happening, Felix found himself kneeling in front of Changbin, searching for  _ something _ he could do to take away his pain. And so he did what he always did with Changbin: he pulled him into a hug. Only this one was different.

Usually, Felix was all sunny smiles as he nuzzled into his hyung’s neck. Usually, Bin would stiffen up and then slowly relax into the hug, a light  and maybe slightly annoyed smile on his face that he always tried (and failed) to hide from Felix. Usually, everyone else would groan but smile, equal parts annoyed and endeared by the PDA.

But this time, Felix couldn't summon any sunshine to his rainy face. This time, Changbin grabbed onto him with such ferocity, Felix couldn't breathe. This time, everyone else watched like they were seeing the end of some sad romance movie. Which didn't feel too far from the truth.

 

“Felix?”

“Hi, Mom!” He put as much as effort as he could into sounding happy.

“Oh my gosh, Felix, it’s you!! Honey, it’s Felix!”

He tried to smile as he heard his dad’s “Really?? Hold on, I'm coming!! Put it on speaker!” yelled from somewhere across his parent’s house.

“Oh, we’ve missed you so much, buddy!! How’s trainee life?? I just ran into Mrs. Knotts, you know, your 5th grade teacher? I just saw her at Walmart the other day, and she was asking all about you! She was telling me the funniest story about you and Charlie Jensen, do you remember? You guys got into a fight at recess, and…”

Felix listened to his mom ramble on as the tears and homesickness returned. Going home sounded even better now than it had before. His home here was the boys he wouldn't even be able to speak to anymore.

“Mom…” he sobbed.

“Honey? What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“Mom, I got eliminated. My Korean isn’t good enough for me to rap and I messed up a dance move and I can't perform well, and I'm dragging down the whole team, he said. So now I can't debut. Mom, it hurts so much. What do I do now?”

He could hear the tears in his mom’s voice as she responded.  _ Great, now I'm making even more people cry. _

 

He spent that night in his new bed, his dad’s words replaying in his mind.  _ Felix, you can come home if that’s what you really want. But remember how hard you've worked for this. Remember how much this all means to you. You've made so many good friends and memories. This is just another chance to do it again. You can make new friends and improve even more than you are right now. _

 

The next morning, Felix rubbed his swollen eyes to look at the new text from his little sister.

 

Hey, Felix! Remember how much we all love you. Don't give up!! <3

9:07 a.m.

 

When he exited the message, he found that his brother had sent a text last night, too.

 

“When it gets hard, I get a little stronger now. I get a little braver now. And when it gets dark, I get a little brighter now. I get a little wiser now.”

9:08 a.m.

 

He smiled at the lyrics from his favorite song. Of course his family would know him well enough to be able to comfort him like this.

And so he got a little braver and opened his Korean Language workbook.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix comes back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this one's so short, but at least it's sweet, right??

“I’ve decided to give Minho and Felix a second chance.”

These glad tidings of great joy were brought by the PD-nim himself, Park Jinyoung. Changbin swore he could see a halo appear around the man as the words left his mouth. And then Minho and Felix were walking through the door, and Changbin could feel the room getting 3 times brighter when Felix’s deep voice said “ 안녕하세요.”

Changbin’s shocked brain barely registered the boy’s bright smile directed towards him (which was probably a good thing, because if he had been fully conscious for that, he would have fallen into a puddle of tears and adoration on the floor, and that would have been detrimental to his “dark” image). And then everyone was laughing and smiling, and then Felix was hugging Jisung, and then they were performing Hellevator as a group of nine again, and through it all Changbin was still in a daze of  _ is this really happening? _

After dance practice, Changbin sat down on the ground to catch his breath and was instead suffocated by a hug. “I missed you so much.” The offender spoke in English. And soon, Changbin was hugging back and laughing and taking in Felix’s sunshiney smile and thinking,  _ oh, this is home. _


	4. Chapter 4

That night, everything was back to normal. Felix was back in Changbin’s bed, bear-hugging the shorter boy. Except this time, the hug was a little tighter than usual. And this time, Felix mumbled “I missed you, hyung,” into Changbin’s ear while Changbin smiled against his neck. And this time, when Felix moved to leave his sleeping hyung, Changbin woke up to tighten his grip on the dongsaeng’s sleeve and  _ say _ , “Stay.” And so this time, Felix stayed, staring at his hyung’s face for probably far longer than was socially acceptable before finally drifting off.

 

A few hours later, Felix awoke to a sniffle and light shining through the window. His first thought:  _ Is this Changbin’s bed?  _ His second thought:  _ Right. I came back yesterday, and Changbin asked me to stay. _ His third thought:  _ Why is the pillow wet? _

Rolling over, he found his hyung staring at him, tear trails from the lower corner of each eye to the pillow and a small, contented smile on his lips. Felix smiled back softly before moving to hug him. Changbin’s head rested on his shoulder, wetting his t-shirt.

“I'm so glad you're back.”

“Is that why you’re crying, hyung?”

“Mhm.”

“Hyung, I'm so sorry.” It came out in jumbled English, but Changbin understood. “For messing up. For not being good enough. For making you cry.”

The arms around Felix tightened as Changbin mumbled into his shoulder, “Hey. Let’s stop being sorry, okay?” Felix could only nod as he rested his head against Changbin’s.

“I’ll try.”

His words were answered with a pair of lips on his cheek.

“ _ Gosh _ , I’ve missed doing that,” Changbin laughed.

“Then do it again.” Felix wiggled his eyebrows until Changbin mumbled an “okay.”

But then he felt lips against his mouth instead of his cheek, and he let out a surprised squawk. Changbin pulled back.

“I’m so sorry, I just thought- I didn’t mean to-” Felix rushed forward to cut off his rant with a kiss, and this time it was Changbin’s turn to be surprised. But after a second, Felix felt him relax and melt into it, and Felix deepened the kiss, and-

“Is everything okay? What was that noise?” Chan swung the door open. The fatherly concern on his face soon turned into shock and then realization, and then a stupid grin. “Oh, sorry to interrupt,” he practically sang, winking. “As you were.”

“ _ Finger guns? _ ” Felix protested, “Really, Chris?” but the leader was already gone, probably making a “DO NOT DISTURB: CHANGLIX AT WORK” sign for the dorm door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done!! Sorry, I'm terrible at writing fluff... and endings.  
> I'm writing another fic right now. It's canon-compliant Minsung, and it's basically Minho having anxiety and Jisung being amazing. I'll post it soon!


End file.
